listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
even my farts smell like vagina
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
