He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
