apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
