wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
