i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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