I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
