Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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