dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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