and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
