Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
