I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
