Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
