He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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