apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
