The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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