I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
