I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
COCAINE IS GR8
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
