Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
