i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
