question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
