someone threw a dead crab at me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
