yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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