normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
