My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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