I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
