just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
