doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
