Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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