Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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