no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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