At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sorry my hands just texted you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
