I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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