the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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