His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
