Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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