The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
