I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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