i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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