can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
