and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i drank out of a bidet.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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