I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
