Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
