sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
