You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
