mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
