Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Randomize
