do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
