wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
do nipples grow back?
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