Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
