Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
