Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
