I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
